2008 All-Star Game Running Diary

In honor of the 57th annual NBA All-Star game being in New Orleans this year, and the fact that nobody is working tonight, I’m trying out a running diary style of blog for the event, in homage to my professional idol, Bill “The Sports Guy” Simmons. To anyone unfamiliar with the concept, all entries posted are excerpts from actual conversations between myself and five good friends while watching the game. All quotes, observations, jokes are transcribed in real time and are not embellished whatsoever, like I could even make some of this stuff up. As is the case anytime five of my friends get together, the subject matter will run the gamut from witty and insightful observations on the game and the league in general, to jokes about the promiscuity of someone’s mother, so parental advisory is probably recommended before viewing. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. So without further ado, here’s my first edition of the NBA All-Star game running diary…


(08:30:45 pm): We’re here live from the Hedquist residence in Burrillville, RI, waiting with baited breath for this game to finally start. I’m joined with The Reverend, Sulhammer, Tomaz (AKA Jose Hamster), St. Jean, and Melon (AKA John Meloncamp), with Jenny and Big Mike keeping us all in line but not participating directly in the diary. The food has already been devoured, the escorts have been called, and Tomaz has been kicked off of the TV for playing Madden. Here’s hoping for a smooth and interruption free evening, at least until the escorts get here.
(08:31:39 pm): First “wager” of the night… How many free throws will Dwyane Wade take tonight? St. Jean’s saying 7, I’m agreeing with Melon’s prediction of 8, and Tomaz is saying 4, although something tells me NBA Commissioner David Stern will advise the refs to chill out on the calls tonight with the entire country watching, unlike the 2006 Finals.
(08:34:36 pm): So I probably should have looked over the All-Star rosters before starting this project. David West made it, really? Him…? Carmelo Anthony is starting?! It’s bad enough Chris Bosh made the team after his pathetic lobbying attempts. And Jason Kidd is starting for the East, but Big Jose Calderon didn’t even make the team…?! I’ll be back in a minute, I have to go bang my head against the wall, excuse me.
(08:35:32 pm): Anger fading…
(08:35:55 pm): My head hurts for some reason.
(08:36:47 pm): While debating the All-Star worthiness of some of tonight’s participants, Melon jokingly mentioned that Brandon Roy “definitely shouldn’t be on the team”, causing Reverend to immediately drop to his knees in “protest“, ranting and raving.
(08:37:39 pm): One thing you can say about New Orleans, they brought out some talent tonight during the player introductions. Yup, should’ve looked over the roster, missed the entire player introductions due to the amazing scenery.
(08:38:54 pm): Someone just brought up the irony of Deborah Cox’ name (she’s singing the Canadian national anthem).
(08:39:59 pm): Tomaz just flipped out over the repeated Jose Hamster references. During the tantrum we set the over/under on his hissy fits at 2 ½. For those of you who are a little curious as to the significance of the nickname, Tomaz’ middle name is Jose and ‘Hamster’ is in reference to his genitalia.
(08:41:59 pm): Reverend jumped on the desktop computer to talk to his girlfriend (or ex-girlfriend?) online. What a pussy… I had nine o’clock in the pregame bets we took.
(08:44:33 pm): Speaking of faggots, Reverend then logged onto his Myspace page to play his new song, the Miami Dolphins fight song. I don’t even have the time to discuss the irony in the Miami Dolphins having a fight song…
(08:46:47 pm): Chris Paul just gave a mini-speech to the crowd, thanking them for coming to the game tonight. It was really sincere, heartfelt and well-written.
(08:47:10 pm): Just re-read that last sentence, apparently sarcasm does not translate well in text. In other news, conflict just broke out over who is grilling St. Jean up some grilled cheese.
(08:47:24 pm): Hilarious how the conflict immediately escalates as soon as Tomaz walks in the room, without even saying a word.
(08:48:57 pm): Wow, these are the jerseys tonight? The East jerseys have blue on the front and white on the back, while the West are going with the white fronts and gold backs. Apparently the NBA’s objective tonight was to confuse the fuck outta me, and so far they’re succeeding magnificently.
(08:49:13 pm): Dwyane Wade just scored the first hoop of the night, a dunk on a fast break.
(08:49:23 pm): …And there’s the first alley oop to Dwight Howard this evening.
(08:49:48 pm): Then swats Yao Ming, badly.
(08:50:30 pm): Chris Bosh is starting?! Wow… I am outraged, even if no one else seems to care. Even worse, he’s taking Kevin Garnett’s starting spot after he couldn’t play due to injury. Seriously though, it’s bad enough the coaches selected Bosh as a reserve, but bumping him into the starting lineup is a joke. I think we need to get Arlen Specter on this.
(08:52:24 pm): Wade just got called for a personal foul. I’m going outside to check if Hell froze over.
(08:53:25 pm): Reggie Miller, just shut up already. If it wasn’t for Marv Albert calling the game, the TV would have been muted ten minutes ago.
(08:53:49 pm): Nice little floater/alley oop from Jason Kidd.
(08:54:28 pm): St. Jean: “LeBron’s gonna be really disappointed not to be playing with Kidd now.“ Twenty seconds later, as if on cue, Reverend says the same thing.
(08:54:55 pm): The West finally subbed a point guard into the game in Steve Nash, moving Iverson to the off-guard spot. I should probably mention now that Allen Iverson is Tomaz’ favorite player, who he claims is a true point guard. I just smile and nod.
(08:55:42 pm): St. Jean: “[Carmelo] Anthony’s game does not translate to an All Star game.“ That is correct.
(08:56:01 pm): I’ll spare you my rant and hatred towards Chris Bosh. Probably better that way for all of us.
(08:58:06 pm): Was just reminded of the Sports Guy’s theory on All Star games, that a true point guard should be on the floor at all times. I’m in favor of giving honorary spots every year to Nash, Kidd, and Paul, the pace and style of play picks up as soon as they’re on the floor.
(09:00:00 pm): Discussions now turned to the Providence College basketball program and the incompetence of Tim Welsh (my words). He’s a decent recruiter, but agree with St. Jean’s point that with that program, he should land a top notch recruit who can dominate the Big East Conference at least every year or two. In my always fair and unbiased opinion, Welsh is a disgrace to the PC basketball team, stemming back to his destroying Ryan Gomes’ draft stock during his senior season, when Gomes should’ve left school after his junior year and been a potential lottery pick in the draft.
(09:01:45 pm): David Aldridge is reporting that the Mavericks and Nets are talking during the game about restructuring the Jason Kidd trade to make it work. I’m sure I’ll write about this trade (if it ever gets done) in another posting.
(09:02:18 pm): Speaking of recent trades, I like the Mike Bibby to the Hawks trade for both sides, but only if Sacramento is able to clear some more cap space by trading Ron Artest and Kenny Thomas together. They managed to save close to $10 million next year by dealing Bibby and getting absolutely nothing back, but that only means they won’t be paying the luxury tax next year, not making any moves in what will be one of the best free agent classes in recent memory.
(09:02:49 pm): Nash just threw a perfect left-handed bounce pass on the fast break to Iverson for an easy lay-up. Just a thing of beauty.
(09:02:59 pm): Tim Duncan is STRUGGLIN’.
(09:03:24 pm): Rip Hamilton is completely wasted in this game. And take that goofy mask off!
(09:03:58 pm): Apparently Hell has indeed frozen over, as Rasheed Wallace was just called for a foul and didn’t even look up to protest. First time for everything, apparently.
(09:04:20 pm): St. Jean: “I see Doc’s playing the Pistons and Paul Pierce line up. It didn’t work last year, not working tonight either.“
(09:05:05 pm): Was Dirk just interviewed at the scorer’s table or something? As soon as his interview with Craig Sager was over he entered the game.
(09:05:30 pm): Reggie Miller: “The question mark [of the Boston Celtics] is still Rajon Rondo.“ Really, just shut up already Reggie and watch the damn games. Rondo’s been the MVP of the team since KG’s injury, and is the most important player on that team and their quest for a title. An injury to Rondo would destroy that team, since he’s the only point guard on the roster and the only player who can dribble the ball up the court while keeping his head up.
(09:06:36 pm): Cool stat - 10 assists on 11 field goals for the East team.
(09:06:53 pm): The Truth… for three… got it! I miss Mike Gorman’s play-by-play.
(09:07:17 pm): The west desperately needs some subs.
(09:07:33 pm): Four turnovers for Iverson in the last minute or two. Just glanced in Tomaz’ direction and was given some choice words in return.
(09:09:35 pm): Just spent the last couple of minutes trying to explain to Reverend why I have a laptop in front of me and have been writing since the game started. Apparently he’s never heard of a running diary before.
(09:11:20 pm): So Reverend bought a case of Rolling Rocks that was two months past the freshness date. Good stuff. Sulhammer: “I woulda kept the receipt and brought it back.“ Reverend responds, “It was on sale.“
(09:12:15 pm): Talk about unnecessary from the TNT cameramen. Coming back from a timeout, the camera pans to Alyssa Milano in the front row, prompting a chorus of “She needs a beating.“ Then it turns to Gabrielle Union, as we all blurt out, “SHE needs a beating.“ Finally, the Governator, in which I’m the only one to say, “He needs a beating.“ Then everyone looked at me.
(09:12:45 pm): Apparently it's not a protein stain on ‘Sheed’s head, it's a birth mark. Thanks, Tomaz.
(09:13:15 pm): Me: "Why is Rip [Hamilton] still out there? Who's coaching this team, Doc Rivers? Oh, yeah..."
(09:13:20 pm): Amare for three... Wet.
(09:13:45 pm): The Truth is just hooking cats up right now.
(09:14:08 pm): Heyyy, there’s Ray Allen on the bench in his blue pajamas.
(09:14:54 pm): Chris Paul finally got into this game, in the last minute of the first quarter.
(09:15:04 pm): Bill Russell is in the building, folks! Now there’s a basketball player.
(09:16:42 pm): Jenny just started yelling at Tomaz for leaking buffalo sauce on the floor, which he of course denied, even though he was the only one who ordered buffalo chicken. She is HEATED. While we’re geeking out in the living room, Melon had to go clean it up.
(09:18:20 pm): In honor of these ridiculous “Date”, “Epic”, and “Superhero” movies, when’s the “Crum Movie” coming out?
(09:18:51 pm): Whoever designed the weird looking chick graphics coming to and from commercials needs to be fired before halftime.
(09:20:13 pm): You can’t knock Jason Kidd for not trying with these alley oop passes off of the backboard. He’ll connect with one eventually.
(09:20:22 pm): …And there it is.
(09:21:17 pm): CP3 just threw that lay-up high off of the glass, out of the reach of Dwight Howard.
(09:21:56 pm): So, everyone's standing around watching LeBron dribble… I didn’t know the Cleveland Cavaliers made the All-Star team…
(09:22:09 pm): Ray Allen for three!
(09:25:53 pm): Reverend, in reference to vagina: “I'd go American Gangster on some right now.” Don’t know exactly what it means, but it was funny nonetheless.
(09:27:11 pm): I’d love to see the Kevin Durant commercial where he is walking down the corridor and removing all of the jerseys he’s worn throughout his life re-filmed with Amare Stoudemire. Then again, it would be about ten minutes long with just his high school jerseys…
(09:27:59 pm): There’s the Jason Kidd airball I’ve grown accustomed to.
(09:28:47 pm): The presence of Doc Rivers and Byron Scott on the sidelines is just too easy to make fun of. Way too easy.
(09:29:24 pm): Carlos “The Booze” Boozer with the follow.
(09:30:38 pm): Disgusting double alley oop from Kidd to LeBron to Dwight. That was just silly.
(09:30:54 pm): Oops-fest all of a sudden.
(09:31:02 pm): Reverend: “This game’s turned into NBA Jam.”
(09:32:04 pm): The lack of muscle from Brandon Roy just drew a chorus of boos from us here at home, as we’re fervently trying to piss off Reverend.
(09:32:36 pm): Reverend, in reference to his anus: “I wish I could make it a little looser, it hurts me sometimes.”
(09:32:53 pm): Melon: “I’ll help him.”
(09:33:21 pm): 50 million pounds.com, huh? If it’s anything like it sounds, I just might have to check out that website later on tonight.
(09:36:49 pm): Bosh and Hamilton on the court at the same time?! Ahh, Glenn Rivers at his finest.
(09:38:04 pm): Dwight Howard’s thrown down more dunks than 14 other NBA teams. That is sick.
(09:39:11 pm): Apparently Dwyane Wade’s not used to passing the ball.
(09:39:21 pm): Reverend’s now on the phone with his girlfriend/ex. How ironic that the biggest vagina in the room talks about it constantly…
(09:40:20 pm): First rewind and replay of the night came on ‘Sheed’s left-handed three point attempt. I personally thought it was Bosh at first.
(09:43:44 pm): TNT just aired a piece they filmed on the NBA players building and restoring houses in New Orleans, with Commish David Stern painting a wall and getting in on the action. I just made a “Jews and manual labor” joke which killed.
(09:44:45 pm): The defense of Chris Bosh will make any player look like Tim Duncan.
(09:45:15 pm): Subs!
(09:45:32 pm): Rasheed just banged a left-handed three pointer. That is just dirty.
(09:46:08 pm): Wade just crossed up Dirk and made him look silly. To read my opinion on Dirk Nowitzki‘s defensive prowess, re-read my post from a couple of minutes ago about Chris Bosh.
(09:47:51 pm): 74-65 Eastern Conference at halftime.
(09:52:09 pm): Just a weird pace to this first half. The game dies when a real point guard isn’t on the floor, which is why Kidd’s played heavy minutes for the East in the first half. Put a couple of Pistons on the floor at the same time, especially Chauncey Billups and Rip, and the game becomes excruciating.
(09:53:29 pm): YES! Here we go, your halftime entertainment, Harry Connick Jr!!!!! I can understand the culture and musical history of the state and everything, but the musical selections this weekend have been atrocious.
(09:54:59 pm): Reverend: “Hey, this guy’s white?“ Melon: “Veader, his name’s Harry…“ We then spent the next two minutes trying to think of a black guy named Harry, without success.
(09:57:05 pm): Reverend to Tomaz: “You really are like a black man, you got nappy hair and you like ‘em big and beautiful.” I don’t know about the beautiful part, but everything else is applicable.
(10:00:21 pm): Uh oh, Jenny’s got a headache and is going to bed early, looks like Melon’s playing the violin tonight.
(10:01:56 pm): Tomaz, about his brothers’ affinity for large girls, and I quote: “He’s Hallow Shal.“
(10:05:00 pm): Tomaz: “This is enough, I need some taint.” I can’t even make this stuff up if I tried.
(10:08:54 pm): Tomaz: “You‘ve seen ‘Good Luck Chuck‘, that‘s me, except for girls having kids.”
(10:09:14 pm): Reverend, in reference to Tomaz‘ suspected child: "I still wanna see Scalabrina." That right there deserves a Tommy Point.
(10:11:27 pm): Magic Johnson, during the halftime show: “The second half is really gonna determine who wins it.” Thanks, Magic.
(10:13:38 pm): The lack of females in the room has really become apparent come halftime.
(10:15:21 pm): Reverend, randomly: “I like it when a girl queefs, it means you fucked her hard enough.”
(10:15:59 pm): Discussion then turned to the proper spelling of ‘queef’, to no avail.
(10:16:16 pm): Tomaz then challenged Reverend to a spelling bee, which absolutely MUST happen.
(10:17:27 pm): Second half is beginning with Steve Nash at point guard for the West, expressing Byron Scott’s confidence in Allen Iverson as a PG.
(10:17:44 pm): …And there’s a foul by Nash, on cue.
(10:18:22 pm): Are Yao and Duncan playing tonight, ‘cuz I haven’t seem them all night.
(10:18:41 pm): That’s six turnovers and counting for AI.
(10:18:55 pm): There’s really a lack of chokeslamming in this game tonight, we need Kendrick “Big Perk” Perkins on this team.
(10:20:02 pm): Reverend loves the Wang. “And girls’ pussy.“ Of course. But between Zhi Zhi and Chien Ming, the kid really does love the Wang.
(10:20:15 pm): Chris Bosh is looking like Reverend in his men’s league game out there.
(10:20:42 pm): Timmy Duncan just missed a dunk. Good stuff. Bosh continues to be awful.
(10:20:52 pm): Wow, this game is sloppier than Tomaz’ mother.
(10:21:15 pm): Dwight Howard just dunked all over Duncan and Yao. Maybe that’ll wake one of them up.
(10:21:48 pm): Yao showing some quickness off the spin move on the low block, blowing by Dwight and drawing a foul. Well I’ll be damned.
(10:23:30 pm): LeBron just pulled out a fading away, corkscrew, reverse jumper that was just money. Good point by Tomaz as to how LeBron managed to square his shoulders to the rim on that shot.
(10:24:31 pm): Reverend: “Bosh is trying harder in this game than he does with the Raptors. They should let him wear this jersey all year.” If so, that’s pathetic.
(10:25:22 pm): 19, 8, and 8 for LeBron with 6:28 left in third quarter. That’s your MVP right now.
(10:26:39 pm): Ray Allen with a Rondo-esque behind-the-back pass fake to take it strong to the basket, whereupon he missed a free throw.
(10:27:05 pm): Doug Collins just squeaked when discussing the muscles of the Boston Celtics. Certainly can’t blame him.
(10:27:09 pm): The Booze with a long range J.
(10:30:09 pm): Just geeked out again over the 50 million pound commercial.
(10:33:51 pm): Nash is running the show right now. Playing him and Chris Paul together is just too quick and effective. Byron Scott will screw this up somehow.
(10:34:12 pm): …And Ray Allen steals it! Ray Allen stole the ball! On ahead to Sam Jones…
(10:35:33 pm): Can this already be the worst coached All-Star game in recent memory?
(10:45:58 pm): I must admit, besides the velvet suit, Craig Sager isn’t looking too tacky tonight. And I’m feeling that tie.
(10:47:10 pm): Amare with a little double clutched, fade away jumper.
(10:48:43 pm): Amare and CP3 are pissed off right now.
(10:48:55 pm): Then the West team goes back to standing around and looking at the ball handler. Oh, I’m sorry, I mean, spacing the floor.
(10:49:43 pm): 11 points and 10 assists for CP3 entering the fourth quarter. If the West wins, he’s got the MVP. If the East wins, it’s LeBron’s, easy.
(10:53:19 pm): Umm, shot clock violation in an All-Star game? Has this ever happened before?
(10:53:52 pm): Duncan laid it off nicely to Amare for a monster flush.
(10:54:10 pm): The game’s finally starting to tighten up.
(10:56:13 pm): The West team goes to the mismatch with Dirk covered by Kidd. They isolate, giving Dirk room to back down the smaller PG, and Dirk falls away and misses a jump shot. My hatred towards Chris Bosh may be misplaced…
(10:56:21 pm): Chris Paul just missed a lay-up, I have not seen that before. And I am not being sarcastic, for once.
(10:57:26 pm): LeBron just aired out a three point attempt, then CP3 started talking junk immediately afterwards. Woulda been a big shot.
(10:57:54 pm): St. Jean: “No matter how lost anyone is, there‘s always someone more lost… like Veader.”
(10:58:49 pm): Melon just took the opportunity to pull out his cell phone to show off his new ring tone, a recording of Reverend’s voice saying “I‘m a step below a horse.”
(10:59:57 pm): Nash kissing the pythons in front of Duncan and showing off the muscles.
(11:00:33 pm): Speaking of Nash, he just did an interview with Craig Sager where he grabbed Sager’s handkerchief and pretended to blow his nose while getting asked a serious question, then called him bro and gave him a smack on the ass as he walked away. Sager, of course, loved the attention.
(11:01:06 pm): Can we get Dirk out of this game please?
(11:01:43 pm): Nowitzki, at the top of the three point line, set his feet and had no one around him, then airmailed a three. That’s a big, and horrible, missed shot.
(11:03:28 pm): Tomaz, to the right of me, is running his fingers through his nappy hair while on the phone. Just had to write that down.
(11:04:11 pm): Amare Stoudemire! Wow, he just swatted a Wade dunk attempt, then ran the court and made a three point play on a nice feed from Roy. That’s a Tommy Point.
(11:04:52 pm): Ray Allen for three!
(11:05:24 pm): Ray again good for three!
(11:08:48 pm): Reverend, to Tomaz: “You‘ve got three holidays - the whole month of February, Martin Luther King Day, and St. Patrick‘s Day, just due to your daughter‘s heritage.” My stomach’s killing me from geeking.
(11:10:31 pm): LeBron just posterized everyone who was in the paint. Now that’s how you throw it down in traffic.
(11:11:01 pm): Wow, an illegal screen call on CP3 late into the fourth quarter. If a shot clock violation in an All-Star game isn’t amazing enough, a crunch-time illegal screen call only adds to the randomness of this game tonight.
(11:12:16 pm): Dirk just got STUFFED on a three point shot by Dwyane Wade. Read that last sentence again for me, please. To be a seven foot (soft) jump shooter is one thing, but to get your shot blocked by Dwyane Wade of all people… I’m just speechless. And embarrassed that I bought a Nowitzki jersey a couple of years ago.
(11:12:52 pm): The offensive execution by the West in the last minute of this ball game is typical of a Byron Scott coached team, for lack of a better term.
(11:13:46 pm): Ray Allen’s missed about three free throws tonight, talk about rare. Forgot to mention the good ol’ free throw jinx thrown out by Marv Albert earlier in this game. Guy’s a pro.
(11:14:18 pm): Instead of adding to his 12 fourth quarter points, Ray Allen refused to shoot a three and instead was fouled with 1.8 seconds left. I feel insulted. Instead Ray Ray finishes with 14 fourth quarter points, including three straight three pointers in one stretch, and 28 points overall. Not too bad for a last minute injury replacement.
(11:16:39 pm): And that’s the game. In leading the East to a 134-128 victory, I’ll give my fake MVP vote to LeBron, which everyone agrees with, except Tomaz who thinks Ray deserves it. Can’t argue with him there, but LeBron had the better stat line and is fellated by the national media, so he’s unanimous. As for the LVP, or Least Valuable Player, now that was a tough vote. I would normally vote for Bosh in this situation, but with Nowitzki’s absolute debacle of a fourth quarter and always atrocious defense, I can’t help but reward (or is it disgrace?) the big German. Tomaz and Melon are going with Yao Ming, which normally wouldn’t be a bad suggestion, but Byron Scott knew to glue him to the bench in the fourth quarter.
Ahh, now that the game is over and Melon and Tomaz are already clamoring for some NBA 2K8 on the 360, that’d be my cue to wrap it up. Thanks to anyone who reads this piece and leaves feedback, I’d love to try one again soon.